And Then What are You Gonna Do?
by Design Girl
Summary: Joan reflects through writing in her diary on where she finds herself now that Adam is with Iris.


TITLE: And Then What are You Gonna Do?  
  
DATE: 2/14/2004  
  
RATING: G  
  
SPOILERS: Everything up through "Night Without Stars"  
  
SUMMARY: Joan reflects through writing in her diary on where  
she finds herself now that Adam is with Iris.  
  
CATEGORY: General  
  
DISCLAIMERS: Joan of Arcadia and all of its characters are  
the creation and property of Barbara Hall, CBS and Sony  
Pictures. This story is for pure entertainment and not for any  
profit at all.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This turned out to be a really dark piece and so readers beware.  
  
FEEDBACK: I'd welcome your feedback, good or bad (so long as you're nice about it).  
  
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And Then What are You Gonna Do?  
  
Here I sit. It's 3:00 in the morning and I can't sleep. When I do try lay down and close my eyes all these images rush back in on me and I start to cry and then I have to get up or run the risk of soaking my pillow. So what's the point of even trying to sleep? I might as well get up and write in my diary for a while. At least "it" is there to listen; it seems that's all I have anymore. It's kinda ironic though you know, I've neglected it pretty much since we've moved to Arcadia but now it seems that there's nobody else to listen.  
  
Saturday, February 14 Happy Valentine's Day, Diary. Ha, that's a laugh that I would possibly associate Valentine's Day ever again with being "happy". It's over ya know, over before it ever really got started and I just don't know what I'm going to do now. I've got to talk about it to someone and so here I sit. At least you will listen. Everyone else in my life right now is living on some other plane of existence, and Joan, doer of crazy things and co- habitant on the planet will just have to deal with her issues alone.  
  
Grace is totally living in some other zone right now, I think it's cause she can't stand the sight of my geek brother. I guess if I were in her shoes I wouldn't be able to stand the sight of him either. Given that thought I guess I would avoid spending time with one of my best friends too if it saved me from the pain of having to watch someone I want to be with being happy with someone other than me. Gee, I guess there's a parallel in there, but I'll come back to that...  
  
Luke, dog boy, geek, genius that is, is living on study overload and it sure is showing. What used to be just a reasonable obsession with him has turned to the ridiculous. He is stressed nearly beyond his limits. He's fighting with Kevin, when just a few days ago they were getting along fine, he's not saying anything around the house and he's unbearable to be around at school (not that you would ever really want to hang around with the geeks at school but he is after all my brother and I can't avoid him completely). This whole business of him hanging around endlessly with Freidman and Glynnis has him trying to prove (or preparing so he can try to prove) how smart he is all the time, 24/7. He has no down time left in his life and everyone needs down time, even dog boy geniuses.  
  
Kevin is the old Kevin again, well maybe not but he does seem to have some of those pre-accident attitudes and behaviors back. Mom said that he has a girlfriend. If that's so then I guess I can forgive him for not noticing that his little sister is in need of a shoulder to cry on, he does deserve to try and find a life for himself once again.  
  
Mom, now there's a perfect example of a person who I'm supposed to be able turn to, but who won't or maybe can't really help. She would just offer some motherly "been there, done that and it will all work out in the end" advice. I did talk to her a little. I told her some of what I'm feeling, but she can't possible understand it all cause she doesn't know about all my little crazy assignments and why I do them so it would be hard to explain to her why I just let the chance that was before me get away. Besides, she and Dad have something going on between them, and this time I don't mean overt PDA's in the kitchen. Whatever it is it's deep and dark and hanging between them. Since Mom's one who needs to focus on a single "issue" at a time anyway, I'll let her to that one and just deal with mine on my own.  
  
Dad is Dad and definitely not someone a daughter discusses her personal thoughts and feelings regarding members of the opposite sex with, but even if I could talk to him about all of this, he's got issues with Mom right now and they need to be dealing with them rather than wasting their time dealing with my unsolvable situation.  
  
Then I suppose there is God. People often turn to God with their problems, hoping to gain some insight on a solution. In my realm turning to God would be a waste of time because God was the one who caused the whole mess anyway. Yeah, I know free will and all that. God just suggests, I am the one who chooses to act, or not to. You would think that I would have learned by now to not listen to any of God's hints and suggestions about my personal life since it seems every time I do, it just makes the situation worse. I'm tired of the lessons that he is trying to teach me. I'm tired of having to act crazy half the time so that everyone around me thinks I should be committed. Most of all I'm tired of following through on these suggestions that do everything to help people around me and bring me nothing but deep down personal pain.  
  
Lastly on my list of people I should be able to talk to but can't, should be my other best friend, Adam. Pretty bad huh, when you only have two best friends? In my case the more correct statement would be two friends of any kind. Well obviously, I can't talk to him on this cause even if he did have the time to spend talking to me, and even if he would listen, I can't stand the pain of being with him and watching him be happy with her.  
  
So where does that leave me? Alone, with no one to talk to except a piece of paper and so much that I need to say. Why is it that I am not strong enough or smart enough or brave enough to go against these suggestions of missions and tasks when I know they are going to take from me the only things I want? I'm a teenager, I want to fit in, I want to be normal, I want to have friends, and I want to have a normal teenage relationship with a guy. None of these things should be that tough to achieve, except if you're me and every time you think you are actually going to grab the brass ring, you have to get off the merry-go-round to help someone else and when you get back on the brass ring is gone.  
  
Using that analogy, I'd have to say that my brass ring is Adam Rove. For a while I didn't think I could reach it and for a while I think it was pretty tarnished in its own right, but just when I thought I could reach out and touch it and actually hold onto it, it was taken by someone else. Iris has her own issues. In some other parallel universe I might even see myself as her friend, but that is not a possibility here.  
  
They say hindsight is 20/20. They didn't lie. Looking back over the last few weeks, there are so many things that I should have done that might have kept me from sitting here in the middle of the night, crying my eyes out and pouring my soul out to a piece of paper. I should have let Adam kiss me in the hallway at school, I should have kissed him at the party, I should have danced with him, all of the times he asked, not just that once, I should have told Iris that Adam and I were an item, but most of all I should have told Adam how I feel about him. At least then maybe I would have had a chance. Though, seeing him with her now, watching them share their understanding of the art world, and noticing the special way they were holding hands makes me question whether this thing between them wouldn't have eventually happened anyway. It's pretty obvious Adam has made his choice and I'm the one to be left behind. I'll give him credit though; he did at least acknowledge that my seeing them together causes me pain. His observation did offer the only glimmer of hope in this whole disastrous situation, since it shows that at least the connection between us is still there. Though I have to think that it won't be long til that is gone as well.  
  
So here I sit still with the question of "And then what are you gonna do? Well, I guess I'll go on, like most other teenage kids, alone and afraid that life won't ever get any better and that the brass ring will never be for me. I'll get up in the morning and go through the motions of going to school. I'll try to be there for Grace if she needs to talk but Grace is Grace and needing someone else is not something she would ever acknowledge. I'll sit next to Adam in Chemistry and I'll try not to have an emotional meltdown every time I see him with Iris. Even though I want him to be with me and not with her, I still want him to be happy and if Iris makes him happy then I'll just have to deal with it. I'll put up a front to live behind til I can get out of high school and away from all of this stuff that is making me unhappy. I'll keep the real pain I am feeling from my family and let them go on to solve their own problems. I'll learn to accept that I'm not a person who was ever suppose to develop long lasting friendships in high school or one who was to experience the good side of being a teenager in love. Lastly I guess is that the next time God shows up and wants something of me, I'm going to tell him (or her) that I have nothing left to give.  
  
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FINAL COMMENTS: As I said, this turned out to be kinda dark and definitely sad. Yes, I really woke up at 3 AM thinking about last night's episode and without a doubt the piece is a reflection of my reaction to where BH & Co. have taken us in the last few weeks. As a J&A shipper I have to say that I dislike the "dangle the J&A relationship" approach through "Jump", "Recreation" and even "State of Grace", just to dump the whole thing with the arrival of Iris. That might have been alright if the previews for the next episode would have offered anything to hint that the issue will be resolved and Iris will get out of the picture, "literally". Perhaps J&A shippers out there can take solace in the promotion of Christopher Marquette to a full cast member and in what the TV Guide has said are "big plans" for the couple. Oh well, I suppose it gives us all an opportunity to reflect on new and different stories lines. 


End file.
